What does the Bible REALLY say about Divorce
Matthew 19:3-12, Deut. 24:1-4, 1 Cor. 7
Last Sunday we had looked at Jesus raising Lazarus back to life amid the questions, fears, and doubts of those around Him. This week as I have looked at delays, and funny timing of events, I have been reminded about Jesus’ love for Martha, Mary, and Lazarus- and that in that love He had delayed coming to them 2 days. I hope that you too have been encouraged in Jesus’ love for you, even as you experience delays and timing that is inconvenient and/or even painful.
After Jesus raised Lazarus, John informs us that the religious leaders got really serious about seeking His life, and as a result Jesus could no longer walk in public. He was a dead man wanted- public enemy number 1. And John lets us know that Jesus then retreated to the city of Ephraim, a small city in the hilly country wilderness just outside of the walls of Jerusalem. (John 11:47-54) Ephraim was most likely the modern-day Palestinian city of Taybeh, about 9 miles northeast of Jerusalem, near Ramallah.
But before Jesus arrived to Ephraim, either right after raising Lazarus (as my chronological bible places it), or possibly shortly before He raised Lazarus (which I believe is the more probable scenario)- He was approached by the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3, with a question concerning divorce. “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” Just recently, Jesus had brought up the subject of divorce in Luke 16:18, which we looked at a few weeks ago. He had said “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.” Now as I had mentioned, in context, Jesus wasn’t really attempting to teach on divorce in that moment. His whole point was rather to show His relationship to God’s law given through Moses. He was defending Himself in saying that not only does He uphold God’s Mosaic Law, but that He actually stands for an even higher standard than the law upheld. The law allows for divorce, but Jesus says divorce is actually committing adultery. The context in Luke was money management- the implied application being that the law permits giving 10% to the Lord, but the 10% serves as only a reminder of the higher standard that all 100% actually belongs to the Lord.
Whether those listening at the time understood or not the correlation Jesus was presenting- either way- what He said about divorce was shocking to most. I had mentioned that during the time, one of the Rabbinical teachers, Hillel, taught that a man could divorce his wife if she burnt his dinner or put too much salt in his soup. But there was also another teacher during the time, Schammai, that held an opposing, stricter view of marriage- who permitted divorce only in cases of infidelity and adultery. Perhaps what the religious leaders were intending to do, was to trap Jesus in siding with one Rabbinical school or the other, or catch Him retracting His previous statement, or catch Him speaking contrary to the written law of Moses.
It seems that at the time, this issue of divorce was a popular hot topic, but what’s wild, is that perhaps the thinking in that day isn’t much different than today’s thinking. Some today would advocate for divorce for whatever reason one might suggest- unhappiness, offenses, not getting along, etc. And then there’s others who would strictly advocate for avoiding divorce at all cost, with exception to a few specific circumstances. So, the real question today is, what does the Bible really teach concerning divorce?
Now I realize that this could be a painful subject for many. So, it’s with great humility and sensitivity that I hope to engage in not what I think on this subject, but rather what the Bible says concerning this subject. And as with any biblical passage that we read- my hope is that we are able to first understand God’s perspective, secondly compare that to our perspective, and thirdly attempt to conform our perspective to His in moving forward. With that purpose in mind, let’s see what Jesus has to say about divorce. Matthew 19:4-6…
Jesus here refers to 2 verses in Genesis, the first being Genesis 1:27 that says “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” and the second verse Genesis 2:24, which states “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” And from these 2 verses, one could build the argument that God indeed created the human race as binary- male and female- two distinct entities. He didn’t create two gender neutral persons who would one day decide what sex they would prefer to be. You could also build the case that marriage is only intended between 1 male and 1 female- not between 2 males, or 2 females, nor between 1 male and several females, or 1 female and several males. All of that is implied through these verses, but the thrust of Jesus’ argument is that once 1 male and 1 female come together, they should not then be separated.
Now to this answer, the religious leaders countered in verse 7 “Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” They were referencing Deuteronomy 24:1-4. I think it’s important that we take the time to read that passage so we understand exactly what they were referencing. Put a place holder in Matthew and turn with me to Deuteronomy 24.
The first thing I believe we need to notice in this passage is that Moses nowhere commands giving a certificate of divorce. Obviously the giving of a divorce certificate was already a common practice amongst the people (regardless of it being a wrong practice), and Moses is regulating that practice. He basically says when this custom takes place it is then wrong to do this… Moses isn’t necessary approving of divorce, nor is he commanding a divorce letter. What Moses is commanding, is that a man who divorces his wife cannot remarry her later after she has been with another man. That is what this passage is conveying. The thrust of this passage is not advocating for divorce (as the religious leaders were attempting to portray it). In contrast, the passage rather is further supporting the case that divorce and remarriage should not happen and is wrong. Why do I say this? Look at the reason in verse 4 why the man can’t take the woman back and remarry her after she has been with another man. The reason is because her union with the other man has defiled her. The idea is that divorce should not happen, but if one choses to go against God’s design and divorces their spouse - in remarriage, one then becomes defiled- unholy, sinful in God’s eyes.
Yet even in that sin, there is still a new covenant that is formed, and it would add yet another sin to then break that 2nd covenant of marriage, in order to return to the 1st covenant of marriage- even if forming the 2nd covenant was a sin. The universal application is that God’s standard is up high, and if you miss it, don’t try to correct it by adding an additional sin. Ever seen a movie or TV show where the hitman assassin feels convicted, and no longer wants to participate in killing for a living, but the only way out is for him to kill even more? Moses is saying don’t do that. If you sin, live with the consequences, don’t go deeper and sin further.
So, Moses didn’t command a certificate of divorce and thus support divorce as the religious leaders were attempting to convey, but in the wording of Deut. 24:1-4 he doesn’t specifically forbid divorce either. He could have, based on the Genesis verses Jesus referenced. But instead, as we’ve covered, he offered a command not to sin further if divorce had already occurred. This is basically how Jesus replies to their counter argument, look back now at Matthew 19 verse 8…
Jesus says because of your hardness of heart (in other words- because of your sin, because of your rejection of God’s design) Moses permitted you to divorce your wives (he didn’t directly attempt to punish those who had divorced, but overlooked and permitted their perversion of God’s intent) but from the beginning it has not been this way. (God’s intent/design/standard of holiness, from the beginning of time that does not change, is for divorce not to happen) Verse 9…
Here is the crucial verse that we need to properly understand. Again, when Jesus had spoken on this just recently before, as I mentioned Luke 16:18 records, He had said “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.” Period, end of sentence, no exceptions. In the sermon on the mount, early on in Jesus’ ministry, He said it like this “everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matt. 5:32) Many take the exception clause of “unchastity” from the sermon on the mount, and the exception clause of “immorality” from the Matthew 19:9 verse to mean that the only permissible divorce is one that results from an adulterous act. Now this is a widely held view from many evangelical Christians, but just because it is a common viewpoint does not necessarily mean that it is a correct viewpoint. Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 use two different Greek words that we need to understand, the word “porneia” which translates to fornication or unchastity (an unmarried person engaging in sexual activity/sexual immorality) and the other Greek word “moicheia” which translates into the word adultery (a married person engaging in sexual activity/sexual immorality outside of their marriage).
Now that we have defined the words being used in these 2 exception clauses, we also need to understand the Jewish custom of marriage during this time. A young boy and young girl would be “betrothed” (promised to each other) by their parents. This was the 1 step in their betrothal, or as we would more commonly say- engagement. The second step would occur much later as they became older, and formal wedding plans were initiated. This 2nd period would usually begin one year before the wedding, and during this time the couple would consider themselves husband and wife, though not yet living together, and not having a sexual relationship- with the punishment for engaging in sexual activity being stoning.
Now this 2nd period of betrothal is where Joseph and Mary were, when Joseph found Mary to be pregnant. It was obviously assumed that she had broken their betrothal, by fornication (moicheia)- engaging in sexual activity before being officially married- and so we have the verse in Matthew 1:19 “And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly.” The Greek root word used for “send her away” is the same root word used for divorce in our passage of Matthew 19. Joseph and Mary weren’t married yet, but still referred to each other as husband and wife, and could righteously “divorce” each other before their official wedding day, if one was found to be sexually active before that day. I believe that this is the exception that Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 is referring to. If during the engagement process you find that your fiancé has been unchaste (has committed fornication, sexual immorality) then you can righteously divorce yourself from them. In doing so, you don’t make your soon to be spouse commit adultery, no- they have already committed adultery themselves before you even are officially married to them.
Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 do not say if your spouse commits adultery, then you can divorce them. The word used is not adultery. The Bible uses the words fornication and unchastity- words that mean sexual activity before marriage- and therefore the only divorce permissible would be one that occurs in a Joseph and Mary type situation, a divorce during the engagement time. But actually there is another exception mentioned in the Bible that would allow one to be free to pursue another relationship after being married. Paul gives marriage instructions in 1 Corinthians 7, and verse 39 says “A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” Ok, so here’s the other exception: Death. “Til death do us part.” If a spouse dies, the remaining spouse is free to remarry, and it is not considered adultery. This is confirmed by Romans 7:2-3 “For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning the husband. So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man.”
Most Christians nowadays generally don’t view marriage and divorce under such strict terms, but I would argue that this is the position of Jesus. I think the disciples understood the weight of what Jesus was saying- that divorce was not permissible under any circumstances (with exception to within the engagement/betrothal period) and that remarriage is not permissible under any circumstances (with exception of a spouse’s death). I believe they understood the strictness Jesus was referring to judging from their response in verse 10…
If death is the only grounds for remarrying, and divorce is not an option to pursue once you are officially married, then perhaps it’s better not to attempt to get married at all. To which Jesus responds verses 11-12…
Now this is a little graphic, and I apologize, but there are boys born with birth defects, without certain male anatomy. And throughout history- and still in some parts of the world- male servants are castrated. And there are yet others who in a sense “become eunuchs” not by physical castration, but in practice, who chose not to get married and procreate, but rather to serve the Lord as a single person. But Jesus says this is not for everyone, this is only for those who have been given by God the gift of singleness- the gift to remain single and focus purely on the Lord, without having to wrestle with the balance of serving a family as well. In this passage, Jesus seems to bring His argument for the highest view of marriage to a climax- you marry to be married for life, or you don’t marry and serve the Lord as a single for life. Dabbling in both is not permissible.
So, if the Bible teaches that divorce is only permissible during the engagement period, and that remarriage is only permissible after death of a spouse, then what should one do who has already divorced and remarried? According to what it looks like the Bible says, the second marriage was considered adultery, if the former spouse was still living. But now that it is done, it shouldn’t be undone. Repentance and a consecration of the new marriage to Jesus is necessary- yes, but breaking that covenant, even if it was conceived at first by the Bible’s definition of adultery, like we saw back in Deut. 24:1-4 it is still a covenant and should not be subject to further covenant breaking..
What about those who had a spouse leave them, who disagreed wholeheartedly about divorce? Or what about a couple where one spouse is following the Lord and the other isn’t? Look with me at what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7. You might want to again put a place holder in Matthew and turn there, to 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. “But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11 (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.” So far Paul says the Lord says don’t leave or divorce, but if one does leave- it can be for a period- without remarrying, or for a period without remarrying, to then to be reconciled to the spouse. Then he continues: “12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.” Ok, so now Paul says this isn’t what God says, but he says his advice is that a believer with a unbeliever should still remain married. He continues… “14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.” In saying the unbelieving spouse is sanctified through the believing spouse, Paul is definitely not saying that an unbeliever is considered saved if they are married to a believer. Rather the word sanctified is probably referring to the marriage union being still set apart as sanctified- a holy union- that can still bring glory to God, and that a spouse isn’t defiled through sexual relations with their nonbeliever spouse, and- nor will the kids be somehow tainted and doomed through the union of the two.
Now listen to what he says about an unbelieving spouse who is determined to leave: “15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” Paul says if the unbelieving spouse is determined to leave then it is better to let them leave than to attempt to force them to stay and thus create unrest. Because in attempting to force them to stay, you really don’t know if that will result in them coming to know the Lord or not.
So, should someone whose spouse left them, remarry? Again, from what we’ve read today, it looks like the Bible says no- that only in the death of a spouse can one remarry without committing adultery. Your marriage covenant should be kept, even if your spouse choses to break it.
Why is the Bible so hard nosed on this? I believe that perhaps it could be because human marriage is the institution that God has chosen to represent His covenant relationship with His people. 1 man, 1 woman- 1 God, 1 people- established with permanence. He has an incredibly high standard of His relationship with us, and He wants human marriages to represent that high standard as well.
To those who have missed the mark in this area, whether innocently or non-innocently, this is not a time to beat yourself up about the past. This is a time to realize God’s high, perfect standard, and for us all to conform our understanding of divorce and marriage to His high standard. And for those who have been able to uphold God’s intent for the sacredness of marriage- I’m sure we can find all kinds of other ways that we have missed the mark in other areas. In fact, many of us who haven’t committed adultery through divorce and/or remarriage have perhaps committed adultery by Jesus’ definition of adultery in Matthew 5:28 “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” And you could switch out the nouns and pronouns there- “everyone who looks at a man with lust for him…” The point is, not one of us is innocent. We all have fallen short of God’s glory in one way or another. Our duty, as followers of Jesus, is to uphold God’s highest standard, and to agree with what He deems right and wrong, and not to let society or anyone else water down our understanding of God’s standard.
To all of us who are married, whether for the first time or not, may we all realize the heaviness and importance of our marriage relationship. May we understand what God desires in our marriages. May there not be any “plan Bs” contemplated. Don’t entertain thoughts of being with someone else, don’t let divorce be an option, don’t even let the suggestion come out of your mouth. Get rid of any type involvement in pornography. Commit to be faithful and true- no matter what your spouse does or doesn’t do.
To those divorced who haven’t remarried, know how close God’s heart is to you. May God provide for you in powerful ways. May you sense His love as a spouse who will never do you wrong, and who will never leave your side.
To those not yet married, if you are seeking a spouse, do so with great consideration. Do not take lightly the joining of a man and a woman. With a humble heart bowed to God, carefully listen to His voice and seek the spouse He would have for you.
For all of us, may we seek to not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of our minds, that by testing we may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)